Kill La Kill Characters React to RVB
by Mr. War
Summary: Join Ryuko, Mako, Satsuki and her (former) Elite Four as they watch the story of the Blood Gulch Crew & and the fall of the Freelancers.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: First off; thank you UnknownHero for letting me use the Red vs Blue episode scripts and thank you Lord of Pages for editing my fic. :)**

 **I know this chapter is short, but it will get longer as I write. :D**

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Walking into the Kiryūin family movie room, namely a massive theater, Ryūko brandished a DVD with the words, "Red VS Blue Season 1." Written across it.

"Alright…sis. We're going to watch this movie since we've got nothing better to do on a Sunday. I've got popcorn, my pajama's, and a lot of soda to drink."

Of course Ryūko was wearing pajama's, with the loss of Senketsu she wore a regular assortment of lovely clothes, it was a full month after the defeat of Ragyō and dammit if she wasn't going to spend time with her sister.

Satsuki herself was wearing a full length night gown, and with her hair cut short, looked positively at ease with herself.

"Of course nee-chan, sit down, is everyone else already here?"

Wearing a pink pair of silk pajama's, Nonon gave the two a wave, before looking at Mako with a look of disgust, the brown haired girl was sitting on the lap of the giant Ira Gamagōri and munching on a huge bowl of popcorn at least three times her size.

"Me and the slacker are here, so just get the movie going puppy." She snidely ordered around Inumuta who just pushed his glasses up with a condescending grimace.

The blue haired man and Ira himself were clad in a t-shirt and shorts combo, with Inumuta's handheld device being set down on top of a laptop connected to the projector above them.

"Shan't, until Satsuki gives us the okay." Uzu flopped down next to the bluenette, the samurai munching on a hilariously large hotdog and getting crumbs all over his shoulder much to Inumuta's disgust.

"Just get it rolling right? Hey, you guys already good to go?"

Cheerfully cooking up more snacks while Mataro and Guts tried to sneak some for themselves, Sukuyo was paying half a mind to the movie currently getting set up while her husband Barazō ate a greasy burger.

"We're all fine thanks! Snacks and concessions all around! I must say this shall be wonderful, I haven't seen a movie in years. Not since I married you darling!"

"Ahaha! Well we didn't exactly have a TV for a long time!" The two laughed together while Inumuta grumbled and set up the movie.

Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1

 _Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange._

 **Simmons:** Hey.

 **Grif:** Yeah?

 _Cut to Simmons (maroon armor)._

 **Simmons:** You ever wonder why we're here?

 _Cut to Grif (orange armor)._

 **Grif:** It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.

Nudging Satsuki with a grin, Ryūko snarked out, "I wonder if the old hag ever was religious. She seemed the type to attend church."

Utterly serious and dry, her older sister responded, "She actually was very religious, she made a note to bring me to our local Catholic Church to be baptized, imagine that for a Japanese child in the early 2000's."

"Wait what, seriously?!" Ryūko could only gasp out, making Satsuki's lip curl into a slight smile, "Of course not. Mother hated the very idea of religion since she believed that big ball of angry yarn was her true god."

The red locked girl could only groan quietly.

 **Simmons:** ...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

 **Grif:** Oh. Uh... yeah.'

 **Simmons:** What was all that stuff about God?

 **Grif:** Uh...hm? Nothing.

 **Simmons:** You wanna talk about it?

 **Grif:** No.

 **Simmons:** You sure?

 **Grif:** Yeah.

Snickering, Uzu bite into his hotdog and talked to himself although Inumuta could hear him.

"I can tell this is going to be a comedy, god I can't wait for the actual jokes to start rolling, I might bust a gut laughing."

"Or die laughing, that'd be a sickeningly ironic thing to see. I'd almost mourn you." Inumuta remarked snidely while Uzu just looked amused.

"You'd miss me, if I wasn't around you all the time, you'd be sitting around yelling at people on that 3chan site or whatever for not respecting your waifu or whatever Otaku crap you're into."

Inumuta just gave Uzu a long look that spoke of the intense and utter loathing he had for the samurai.

 **Simmons:** Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.

 **Grif:** Mm hmm.

 **Simmons:** The only reason that we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here.

 **Grif:** Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other.

Nonon looked secretly at Ryūko and Satsuki at the red and blue base comments, as did everyone else in the theater.

"…what?" Satsuki turned to them with an annoyed look, Ryūko gaining her own unamused glower.

"Just 'cos we're sisters, we prefer color toned clothing, and we're associated with red and blue means crap jackasses! Stop starting shit already!"

Uzu coughed something that sounded suspiciously like, "Bullshit."

"YEAH WELL GO PLAY WITH YOUR SWORD SOME MORE! BET IT SEES MORE ACTION THAN YOU DO LIMP D-"

Satsuki clapped a hand to her sisters mouth, muttering out to her, "Movie please nee-chan, not shouting."

 **Simmons:** No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have _two_ bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.

 **Grif:** What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

"Master Chief? Did we miss a bunch of other movies?" That was one of Ira's private pet peeves, when he went to go see something and he felt lost and left out when terms he didn't know were brandied out.

He felt like he was missing a major part of the story and it annoyed him, Mako's cheery salute made him feel better though," Mako is sure that it's just them being weird and talking about stuff we'll see later! She felt the same when she watched Star Wars with Ryūko-chan! But the Jedi were explained away! Makes her sad that there's no other movies with Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker!"

Inumuta made a slitting throat motion to everyone else in the theater then shook his hand out rapidly to make sure they got the idea not to discuss anything involving the prequels whatsoever.

When Mako turned to look at him in confusion he was just watching the movie with a droll expression regardless.

 _Zoom in on two soldiers, one wielding a sniper rifle and in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in aqua armor._

 _Cut to Tucker (aqua armor)._

 **Tucker:** What're they doing?

 _Church (cobalt armor) slowly turns around to face Tucker, lowering his rifle._

 **Church:** (aggravated) What?

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker:** I said, "What are they doing now?"

 _Cut back to Church, who is clearly frustrated._

 **Church:** God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!

Inumuta gave a soft noise halfway between approval and agreement for Church's frustrations.

"Finally, someone who speaks the language of intelligent life rather than grunting idiocy. I think I found my character to root for, because everyone thus far are idiots and everyone amused by their spectacle are idiots."

Ira looked sternly down at Inumuta, the giant almost yelling until a look from Satsuki made him use his still loud but not booming indoor voice, "Do not refer to anyone here, especially Mankanshoku-san as an idiot! We're friends now, and degrees of intelligence aside we're all on the same side!"

Inumuta rolled his eyes and just looked focused on the movie again, making Ira's nostrils flare out and billow out steam in a frustrated manner.

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker:** (defensively) You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't start to bitch at me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and play with my di-

Ryūko snickered as she looked at Uzu, the samurai to his credit didn't look annoyed but just rolled his eyes in response to her comments about his lack of manhood or not.

Satsuki's reproachful made her sister look at her with a shrug of noncommittal, in response Satsuki just shook her head with an exhale of resignation.

 _Cut to Church._

 **Church:** (interrupting) Okay, okay, look... they're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from now, when you ask me, "What are they doing?" my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."

Inumuta actually gave a snicker now, the first signs of being amused by the movie he had this entire time, the tech-wizard had a smug grin on his face as he mused.

"This man is saying all the right things to make me sympathize with his plight. An intelligent competent man forced to put up with complete idiots all day every day, being asked inane questions that serve only to be worthless prattle that distract them from actual work."

Nonon merely flipped him off to which Inumuta waved a hand at her sarcastically.

 _Both fall silent._

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker:** What're they talking about?

 _Pause, cut to Church._

 **Church:** You know what? I fucking hate you.

"HAH!" Uzu laughed out loud, an actual grin coming his face as he corrected his glasses due to them being jarred loose.

"Yes, this man is who I'm going to root for. He is my favorite character now and I want him to succeed in every endeavor he wishes to undertake, especially if they include ridding himself of the morons surrounding him."

He snagged a bag of popcorn from Sukuyo and begun eating it with relish, his eyes focused even more on the movie.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons._

 **Grif:** Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life... you know, fight them.

 **Simmons:** Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.

 **Sarge:** Ladies, front and center on the double!

Ryūko snidely muttered to Satsuki while Mako hummed in appreciation, "Was this what it was it like to put up with everyone around you at Honnōji?"

Satsuki actually looked thoughtful at the question and seemed to be genuinely considering it at the very least.

"More or less, generally speaking, more or less."

Chuckling to herself now, Ryūko felt her respect for her sister grow just a little more right then and there.

 **Simmons:** Fuck.

 **Grif:** Yes, sir!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Red gets a delivery

"Alright, so what happens next? I want to see more Church." Inumuta asked while taking a bite of his popcorn, Uzu was busy biting into a new hotdog with a mouth covered in ketchup and mustard.

"Mnghaghwohcres…" The Samurai's muffled talking only had the blue haired teen look even more aggravated than before.

Ryūko bite into a pile of popcorn, while Satsuki for her part had taken a shine to a box of candy, Sukuyo cheerfully humming as she made croquettes for Mako and Gamagōri, her closed eyes somehow seeing everything on the big screen that was happening.

Without further ado, Inumuta hit play on the remote, then tossed it back to Satsuki.

With that, the movie began/

 _Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching another Red soldier (Sarge) clad in red armor._

 **Sarge:** Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

 **Simmons:** Ice cream social?

Uzu drank a large gulp of his soda and cracked off a loud burp, much to the chagrin of the others, especially Jakuzure. "Damn, did you get any on you?" The musical genius snapped at him.

"No, but I got some on you." He chuckled, further enraging her.

Nonon jumped up from her seat, about to smack Uzu for his crude behavior. Satsuki, with her typical lightning speed, stepped in between them and grabbed Nonon's arm. "Settle down, children." Satsuki huffed, annoyed.

 _Simmons and Grif exchange looks._

 _Cut to Sarge._

 **Sarge:** Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

 **Grif:** Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

 **Sarge:** ( _mockingly_ ) That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

 **Grif:** I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

 **Sarge:** Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

 **Simmons:** Oh I'd do it, too.

Nonon and Uzu both poked their tongues out at each other, prompting Satsuki to grab them both by the tongue. "I said ENOUGH."

 **Sarge:** I know you would, Simmons. Good man. (Brief pause) Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

 **Grif:** Crap. We're getting a rookie.

 **Sarge:** That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command.

 _Grif and Simmons exchange looks again._

 _Sarge turns towards a hill behind them._

 **Sarge:** Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

 _A large, armour-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the drivers seat, who pulls up along side the Reds._

 **Simmons:** Shotgun!

 **Grif:** Shotgun! ( _realizes he is too late_ ) Fuck.

 **Sarge:** May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

 _Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it._

"HHmm, that looks an awful lot like a Puma." Inumuta said, staring intently at the screen.

 **Sarge:** It has four inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons._

 **Simmons:** Why Warthog, sir?

 _Cut to Sarge._

 **Sarge:** Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation. son.

 _Cut to Grif._

 **Grif:** I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Gamagori cocked his left eyebrow at Grif's questioning of his superior officer. "He should respect his Sergeant's words."

Satsuki thought about it and came back with "Calm down, Gamagori. He wasn't questioning his word as it was issued. Besides, asking about the name of the vehicle won't get anyone hurt or killed."

 **Sarge:** ( _after a brief pause_ ) Say that again.

 **Grif:** I think it looks more like a puma.

 **Sarge:** What in Sam Hell is a puma?

Inumuta clapped and chuckled giddily upon hearing the characters say what he thought a moment ago. Nonon looked over at him and chuckled. "Damn, where'd you learn to laugh like that?" She said, arousing Satsuki's ire again.

 **Simmons:** Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

 **Grif:** No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

 **Sarge:** You're making that up.

 **Grif:** I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

 **Sarge:** Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

 **Simmons:** Yes, sir!

Ryuko and Mako both started looking uneasy after hearing the mention of poisoned food. Satsuki put a hand on Ryuko's shoulder. "I would never let anyone poison your anything." Satsuki told her, bringing about a smile from her younger sis.

Gamagori put his arm around Mako to comfort her. "Miss Mankanshoku, if anyone tried to poison you, I'd crush them like this grape." He told her, crushing what turned out to be a plum that splattered onto Jakuzure.

"That's not a grape, you ape." Jakuzure spat out.

"Apologies, Miss Jakuzure. I guess I don't know my own strength."

"Or your size." Jakuzure quickly added.

"Oh, he's plenty good on size." Mako blurted out, unknowingly setting up a pun that made everyone else blush.

 **Sarge:** ( _pointing at the front of the Warthog_ ) Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

 _Cut to Grif._

 **Grif:** A walrus.

 **Sarge:** Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

 _Cut to a view of the Reds through the sniper rifle scope._

 _Cut to Church, wielding the rifle and Tucker, wielding a M6D pistol._

 **Tucker:** What is that thing?

 _Church lowers the rifle._

 **Church:** I don't know, man. Looks like uh... looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

 **Tucker:** ( _taken aback_ ) A car? How come they get a car?!

 **Church:** What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

 **Tucker:** ( _disappointed_ ) You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

 **Church:** Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Inumuta pondered the thought of courting from the armored module of a tank. "I guess it wouldn't be very easy to get a date while driving a tank."

"You couldn't get a date with a rag and chloroform." Jakuzure quipped.

"I wish I HAD a rag and chloroform, so I could get you to stop talking for a little while." He snapped back.

 **Tucker:** ( _sighs_ ) What kind of car is it?

 **Church:** ( _looking through the scope of the sniper rifle_ ) I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

 **Tucker:** ...What, like a puma?

 **Church:** Yeah, man, there you go.

"Glad I'm not the only one who thought of it." Inumuta chuckled smugly.

 _Cut to Red Team._

 **Sarge:** So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

 **Grif:** No, sir. No more suggestions.

 **Sarge:** Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

 **Grif:** It's okay.

 **Sarge:** Unicorn?

 **Grif:** No really. Uh, I'm cool.

 **Sarge:** Sasquatch?

 **Simmons:** Leprechaun?

 **Grif:** Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

 **Sarge:** Phoenix?

 **Grif:** ( _sighs_ ) Christ.

Satsuki smiled. "Yes, call the armored vehicle that kills people Christ. That'll work out swimmingly."

 **Sarge:** Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

 **Simmons:** Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.

 **Sarge:** Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.


End file.
